


Lazy Eye

by hannahindie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Demon!Dean, F/M, Supernatural - Freeform, lazy eye, silversun pickups, song prompt, spn fanfic, supernatural fanfiction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 14:43:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahindie/pseuds/hannahindie
Summary: Dean comes to terms with being a demon, but not before he tries to find someone that might be able to save him from himself.





	Lazy Eye

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups.

_I’ve been waiting_  
_I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life_  
_But it’s not quite right_

I’ve always known the end would be bloody. Whether it was the tip of a knife or the end of a shotgun, my life was destined to end violently. I can’t say I would have guessed that some nerdy, whiny ass angel would be the one to take me out, but here we are. Well, were. Because my death, what should have released me from this curse the Winchesters seem to have on all our heads, was derailed by a totally different curse.

When I woke up and Crowley let me in on my new little secret, it was like the world stopped.

At first, I thought it was a dream. But what dream includes Crowley? The answer is none. If anything, it was a waking nightmare. His words were clear and to the point; I was one of them now. But I didn’t really hear it. I wasn’t. I wasn’t one of them, I wasn’t human. I was nothing. The weird thing was, I felt _nothing_. I think at first it was the shock that threw me off; having black eyes is not something you get used to easily. It should have bothered me that I had gone from an angry, depressed son of a bitch to…whatever I was now. But it didn’t. If anything, I felt stronger, more alive than I was before. Crowley wants to be best friends forever, I’m surprised he hasn’t given me a friendship bracelet he made for us during craft time at Camp Burning-in-Hell, but I couldn’t give a rat’s ass. I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything.

_And this ‘real’_  
_It’s impossible if possible_  
_At whose blind word_  
_So clear but so unheard_

It was impossible. This reality couldn’t possibly be what my life was going to be like. For years, I’d worried this was where I’d end up, only I didn’t think I’d be topside. I never told Sammy, but the fear of going back to Hell hovered in the back of my mind, always, a never ending taunt that no amount of alcohol could drown out. The Mark of Cain always whispered, fueling the anger that I tried to hide. I know it will probably never compare to what Sam had to deal with when the wall in his mind broke, but man…I gotta be honest, I don’t know how the guy did it. All the things I cared about have fallen by the wayside and even now I could skin Sam alive from head to toe without a care in the world.

_I’ve been waiting_  
_I’ve been waiting for this silence all night long_  
_It’s just a matter of time_

Everything is silent now. The worries I had before, my self-destructive love for Sam, my willingness to sacrifice myself for the greater good. All of it’s gone, silenced by the monster that’s taken over my meatsuit. I guess that monster is still me, and despite the ever present hatred for myself that still echoes in my mind, it’s a relief. I’m still angry, I think that’s the default setting for most demons, and God help anyone that gets in the way of whatever I want, but the overwhelming guilt seems to be gone.

With the exception of one nagging thing that I can’t seem to quit thinking about.

I don’t know what it is about her. It’s like there’s one _tiny_ bit of humanity left inside of me, reserved solely for her. If I saw Sam right now, I can’t say I wouldn’t try to kill him. But Y/N…no, Y/N I’d keep alive. It could be a multitude of reasons, ranging from how hot she is to how she never took shit from me. As a decent human being I didn’t deserve her, and I definitely don’t now.

_To appear sad_  
_With the same 'ol decent lazy eye_  
_Fixed to rest on you_  
_Aim free and so untrue_

Here’s the thing; it was unfair of me to chain her down to me to start with. I don’t have the same curse Sam seems to have, but it’s still never ended well. One night stands and quick lays in the backseat of the Impala are more my style, and I tried to keep doing that with her around, but I have a vague recollection of it making me miserable. I wanted _her_. For awhile there, I was pretty sure she didn’t want anything to do with me. I can be a pain in the ass, and as far as feelings go, I usually make jokes to avoid talking about it. It didn’t seem to matter what I did, I just kept seeing her. Everywhere I looked, there she was. Even before she lived with us, I couldn’t get her out of my mind, and then she moved into the bunker and to hell with trying.

I still remember the first time we spent the night together; it warms the cockles of my cold, soulless heart. I’d like to be able to say that the only thing I remember is how her body felt under mine, how my name sounded as she called it out quietly into the dark. But I also remember how soft her hair was and how good it smelled. I can vividly recall the smoothness of her skin and the strength I felt when we moved together. How she curled up next to me, sweat pooling in the little dip at the base of her throat, and smiling like it was the best thing she’d ever done.

These memories are what made me look for her. I’m not sure why I even care, other than the fact that I tried to screw the thought of her away and it didn’t work. What I do know is that there’s a part of me that is aching for her touch, her smile. That maybe if I find her and she isn’t too repulsed, she can coax whatever bit of myself that’s left out of the darkness that is threatening to take over completely.

An empty, demon-hearted boy can dream. Or whatever it is demons do.

_Everyone’s so intimately rearranged  
Everyone’s so focused clearly with such shine_

_Everyone’s so intimately rearranged  
Everyone’s so focused clearly with such shine_

I left Crowley to look for her. I tracked her phone, because she was stupid enough to keep the same one. You’d think if a person’s boyfriend went darkside, they’d make sure they became invisible. She apparently had more hope than I gave her credit for. I wasn’t surprised to see she was nowhere near the bunker. She and Sam had been close, but I knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t be able to stay in the same place we’d lived together, not even for Sam. She would see me everywhere, and she would be miserable. I mean, I’m sure she was miserable regardless, but without all the reminders, at least she could try to ignore it. It’s what I would have done before I quit giving a shit.

I tracked her to a hotel just outside of Houston. It was a weird place for her to be and I wondered if she was hunting alone or just drifting. After smacking around the guy at the front desk, I got her room number. Room 13, what an irony. I stood outside and stared at the drabby curtain that was blocking my view of the room. It occurred to me that I had no idea what I was actually capable of. I waved my hand like I’ve seen Crowley do, not really expecting anything, and the curtain shifted enough that I could see inside.

Whatever lovey dovey feelings I had disappeared as soon as I looked in the room. I couldn’t see everything, but I could see enough. Sam stretched out on the bed, flat on his back, and Y/N curled tightly into his side like she used to do with me. The longer I stared, the more the smaller details about their current position stood out. The way her hand moved with his chest as he breathed, how his hand was tangled in her hair. The part of me that wanted to find her exploded, the pain brief but hot as I felt my eyes turn black and the monster take over. A dull ache made me look down at my fisted hands. Blood dripped from my fingers and I slowly uncurled them to see crimson crescents dug deeply into my palms. I watched as the marks slowly healed themselves, then looked back to the room. Sam shifted and pulled her closer to him and for a moment all I wanted was to storm in there and tear them apart piece by backstabbing piece. Instead, I turned and walked towards the bar I had seen on the way in. I decided that I would take my time with them instead, and _oh_ , how I looked forward to that.

_Lost and loaded_  
_Still the same 'ol decent lazy eye_  
_Straight through your gaze_  
_That’s why I said I relate_  
_I said we relate_  
_It’s so fun to relate_

“I told you it would be a waste of time.” I rolled my eyes and threw back the shot the bartender had just handed me. Crowley always managed to find me, and it was already starting to get old.

“I don’t need your two cents, Lucky the Leprechaun.” Crowley glared at me and I chuckled; demons sucked, but I found it hilarious that they called him that behind his back.

“You don’t have to be rude.” Crowley waved down the bartender and ordered two more drinks, then turned back to me. “It’s always the same with you boys. Your family always leaves you, your friends leave you. I, however, won’t.” He slid a whiskey in my direction, then picked his up and swirled it, “We’re partners. I scratch your back, you scratch mine and whatnot.”

“You mean, I do your dirty work and you…what? Give me a nice room in hell to stay in? Give me all the ass I could want? I can get all that myself, I don’t need your friendship or sympathy, or whatever the hell it is you’re offering me. I’m fine on my own.”

Crowley turned to face me and narrowed his eyes, “I have no doubt in your ability to acquire whatever it is you want, except for one thing. And that one thing is what is inevitably going to throw you out of control. It’s bad for business to have someone with your…talents…going rogue.” I looked at him from the corner of my eye and he raised an eyebrow. “You work for me, and I promise you’ll get a shot at that little tart that’s snuggling up with dear old Moose. Savvy?”

I turned and grabbed Crowley by the throat, “Watch your mouth, you cheap suited accent. You don’t talk about her, understand? You keep her name out of your filthy mouth, or I will kill you.” I shoved him backwards and he straightened his tie with a smile.

“Ah, there he is, the protective Dean I’ve come to love. I guess you’ve got a bit of humanity left in you, after all.” He watched me for a moment, like he was carefully contemplating his next words. “Listen, Squirrel, that’s the way the cookie crumbles for blokes like us. We lose the things we want most to the people who don’t deserve them. But in the end, we always win. If you work for me, I will make sure you get what you deserve.”

I picked up the whiskey he had slid to me earlier and downed it in one gulp. At this point, I had nothing to lose.

“What do you want me to do?”

_It’s the room the sun and the sky_  
_It’s the room the sun and the sky_  


_I’ve been waiting  
I’ve been waiting for this moment…_


End file.
